Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dr Jeff Classics

Commuting apps I’d like to see | TriMet Diaries

As a 21st-Century commuter, you’ve already downloaded all the available transit apps to your handset or personal computing device. You’ve got apps that tell you what time your bus is going to be there, and, well, another app that tells you when your bus is going to be there. What you’re really anxiously awaiting is – you guessed it – the update to the app that tells you when your bus is going to be there, with fancy new graphics and a button that lets you tweet when your bus is going to be there.

Ah, but you’ve yet to visit Dr. Jeff’s App Store. Here at DJAS, we focus on the things that are of real value to commuters. The following apps will become available soon, as they are in beta testing by Neil McFarlane and may be subject to service cutbacks. We’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, peruse our wish list. These will be available for iPhone, Android, Blackberry, and by special arrangement, Sabre Pyramid.

Am I In Danger? – Point your phone at the eyes of any passenger on the train or bus, and it will return a full profile based on relative pupil size, blood vessel dilation, and brain mass. You can finally tell whether that guy across from you is simply tired, or ready to accelerate into an LSD and psychosis-fueled take-no-prisoners rant followed by a hostage situation. Valuable? We at DJAS darn well think so!

Tip My Driver – Enter the bus number and time into this app, and select an amount to be entered into your operator’s retirement plan. Alternately, a button is provided that will let you pay for self-defense lessons. Being considered – a button that will trigger a shipment of hemorrhoid cream to your operator’s house.

How Much is Fred Getting? – Enter a time frame, and you’ll see how much pension money ex-TriMet director Fred Hansen clears during that time. For example, Fred gets $43.61 during my two-hour ride from Gateway to Forest Grove. Not bad, Fred! Not bad!

When is my Fucking Bus Really Getting Here, no Bullshit?! – Perhaps self-explanatory, but as those of us who use any of the bus-tracking apps will tell you, the information is at times sketchy, at best. Anyone who has shivered in the rain, clutching to a fading hope that the bus is really going to arrive sometime before hypothermic full-system shutdown occurs will appreciate this app. Includes spectacular flashing “YOU ARE FUCKED” graphics for those really bad delays.

Bag Shooter – Lets you look as though you are playing a game of Angry Birds when you are actually shooting a picture of that shithead across from you taking up five seats with backpacks and luggage. Includes buttons to instantly tweet, blog, or Facebook the evidence.

Add yourself to our mailing list, and we’ll be happy to tell you when these apps leave beta and are ready for general consumption by the commuting market. As always, we welcome suggestions. And, enjoy your ride, people!

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